I need to explain something to you. Can I explain something? I’ll try not to make it too technical, though I’m sure you could follow. I’ll just try to keep it brief.
Let me talk about systems. There are 3 types of systems in thermodynamics, supposedly. There are open systems, closed systems and isolated systems. According to the laws of thermodynamics, the open system is one that will take matter in and let matter and heat escape from it. An example would be this plastic wine glass, or this laminated menu if I curl it up and hold it on the table. The closed system will not let matter in but still let heat out, like an oven with its door welded shut, or just being kept closed without being welded. The isolated system will trap both matter and heat. These are the systems, according to the laws of thermodynamics. But what if there was a system that let matter in but trapped it? This is a system I have not seen described. Call it a bottomless system. One that will continually take in matter, expel heat or energy but not allow any of the matter to escape? Seems simple, doesn’t it? The matter must be being converted into energy through some chemical process, right? But what if I told you that more matter was going into the system than was being converted? Where could the matter that is left go?
Let me say right now that I’m not trying to trick you. The system I’m describing isn’t infinite, and has nothing to do with quantum mechanics.
So wouldn’t the system reach capacity? Wouldn’t it burst? The centre cannot hold, to quote Yeats and the many others who have quoted him, including myself on several prior occasions.
I can see that this is all getting a little too theoretical for you, so allow me to step back a bit and try again. What if everything you ate simply stayed in your body, having no method of escape? Sure, you could exercise and burn much of that off, but everyone needs to shit, right? What if you didn’t have a butthole. What if that just wasn’t something you were blessed with? Doctors have scalpels and surgery does wonders these days, but what if above that sphincterless behind there was no rectum attached to a digestive tract to dig to and discover? That’s a problem not easily fixed with an incision.
This long winded ramble is my way of expressing my problem. ‘Bottomless system’ is quite appropriate in both senses. After this meal we are sharing I will go to a facility to have a tube attached to this tap in my abdomen that connects to my small intestine. I have to do this trip 3 times a week. Any more than that would not give the tiny intestinal tract that I do have (which abruptly ends at about 6 feet of its usual 15 foot length) enough time to absorb the nutrients from the food I consume. Any longer and the end of my tract would balloon with faecal matter and peristalsis would keep pushing more and more matter into the dead end, which would likely rupture and lead to a visit from good old Papa Sepsis.
This is as it has always been for me, my version of normal. I have been offered a form of surgery to correct this so-called defect, and been assured that the success of it would be almost guaranteed. But I eschew this, because even if I was able to shit like most, I do not think I could adjust fully to it. The few times I have sat down on a toilet to get a sense of how it would feel to relieve myself in this way have frankly repulsed me. But I have always known that it is something that I will have to get used to being at least marginally comfortable with if I want to ever get close to someone with a fully operational digestive tract and system for excretion. Medical professionals have assured me that my condition is not hereditary.
Anyway, this probably isn’t something one usually hears on a first date, but the topic would need to be broached eventually, so I thought I’d get it out of the way. Do you have any questions?
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That’s right. I do not have a functioning arsehole. I’m sorry if I was unclear. I tried to arrive at it, but may have missed the mark.
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Okay. If anything occurs to you, please feel free to ask. Are you ready to order?
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