Dear Patrick,
Thank you for choosing Readers & Reviewers manuscript assessment service. We greatly appreciate the trust you have shown in employing us to give you feedback on your YA novel. It’s a big step for an author to share the work they have been crafting. R&R appreciates you choosing us to share this with.
We enjoyed reading your novel A Pinch of Love. Particularly strong is the burgeoning relationship between Rhea and Will when they find out they have a shared passion for cooking in home economics class. The novel is evenly paced, and the characters are nuanced and have very good chemistry. The complications that arise in their relationship with regards to both school- and home-life feel genuine and not solely plot-driven.
The one thing my assessment partner and I feel needs the closest attention when you begin your next draft are the scenes that involve nipple tweaking.
We do not consider this to be inappropriate content (we aren’t prudes), but the shear frequency of nipple tweakings and references to it in the work does leave us a little baffled. We tried to interpret this in several ways thematically (adolescent development/sensitivity, etc.), none of which we could really see working. We discussed some ideas for how additions elsewhere could tether this element to the problems both characters are facing in working together/committing to each other. But we honestly couldn’t find any way of making the dissonant, repetitive inclusion of the characters regularly tweaking each other’s nipples to work for and best serve your novel.
Because this is a story intended for a young adult audience, we were wondering if you had decided to include such a substantial amount of nipple tweaking in the manuscript because you were wary of writing more explicit references to sex. If this is the case, we’d like to assuage your fears. There is certainly room for sex to be discussed and explored in the lives of young people in YA fiction, as long as it is handled in a responsible way that also feels true to the story you wish to tell. The nipple tweakings in your manuscript, both the expansive, detailed descriptions (Pg. 74-79) and the quick, off-handed references (Pg. 113, ‘They tweaked each other’s nipples a final time and said goodnight.’) are at times a little out of place (Pg. 153, Rhea’s grandmother’s nursing home) and at others rather inappropriate and perverse (pg. 201, Rhea’s grandmother’s funeral).
What we are suggesting is a paring back of the nipple tweaking. You don’t have to remove all references to it in the piece, but perhaps pick one or two of the more important nipple tweakings to make those moments really stand out and have the most impact in the narrative. We recommend substituting these omissions in some instances with an escalation of further sexual exploration for the couple, and perhaps for others you can come up with something (or literally anything) else.
Because nipple tweaking factors heavily into the climax and resolution of the manuscript, the ending will need to be heavily reworked. But we believe you are a capable enough author to achieve this, and feel that doing so will mean that your novel can reach as wide an audience as possible.
Thank you again for allowing us the chance to work with you in making your manuscript as good as it can be. We look forward to hearing from you when you have had time to complete another draft, and please feel free to keep us abreast of its development.
Kindest regards,
Elvren Semplic
Readers & Reviewers Assessment Services
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